Why'd They Turn Gay?
by Valkyrie Celes
Summary: Minako is having troubling dreams about a certain pair of Generals. She can't understand why her ex lover would turn gay, and makes Ami care about it as well. So how do the Senshi cure Minako's lack of sleep? A séance of course!


**Author's Notes: Hi all. I'm back with another story, one that I just couldn't pass up writing, because I thought the concept was hilarious. Tell me if you agree or not, but my muse keeps on nagging and nagging, so I have to write it, or else she'll be pissed again! Bad muse, BAD! I'll get back to my other stories (eventually) I hope you enjoy. This is my first humorous SM story, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Enjoy.**

**Why'd They Turn Gay?**

"No…no…no…"

Minako Aino, the imphamous Senshi of Love and Beauty tossed and turned in her bed. Her golden tresses flailed around her petite form with vigor as her pale skin was swiftly adorned with sweat.

"No…no…it can't be…NO!"

She shot up in bed, wide awake. Her sky blue eyes filled with shock and frustration. She wiped the sweat off her brow.

"Oh, not again!" she wined. Her eyes were encircled by darkness; proof of her lack of sleep. "Why do I keep on having that stupid dream, Why!?"

"Minako," a tired male voice grumbled. "Will you stop doing that? It's bad enough that I can't get any sleep because of your obsession over this either, just let things be and—"

THUMP.

Artemis, the Senshi's white guardian cat received a prompt whack with a pillow. He howled with irritation.

"Stop doing that! I'm just trying to look out for you Mina-chan!"

"No your not Artemis; you just want some sleep. Well if you want some, then go over to Usagi's place, cause I'm not getting anymore tonight."

The cat sighed.

"I told you Mina, just let things—"

Artemis stopped abruptly as he saw his charge get out of bed. He looked at her curiously from his station on the floor.

"Minako, what're you doing? Oh no," he warned. He got up from his position and jumped on her nightstand where her telephone was. He was too late however, as Minako already picked up the device and was calling a number that was on speed dial. Artemis shook his head furiously.

"No Minako, don't wake Ami up with this nonsense again! She already told you—"

"Shh!" she waved her hand. "It's ringing."

The white guardian rolled his eyes.

"Minako Aino, what am I going to do with you."

"Hello?" a polite tired voice had picked up the phone. "Let me guess; Mina-chan, is that you?"

"Bingo!" Minako hopped excitedly. "You see Ami, that's why you're the genius. It's like you've got a sixth sense for knowledge!" the blond giggled.

"Yes, I suppose I do," the blue haired girl responded. Minako could tell that Ami's mood had lifted at the compliment, her tone had raised significantly. "Well, let me guess again, you had that dream again?"

"Yes I did Ami-chan, and I just can't stand it anymore! Don't you want to know just as badly as I do? One of them was your ex-lover too!"

"No," was the timid girl's reply. "I don't. Minako, it's been so long, why can't you just let things be?"

"Because I could never turn a man gay!" she shouted angrily. "How could Sailor Venus, the goddess of love, and the most beautiful Senshi of them all turn a man gay, it's impossible, simply impossible!"

Ami chuckled at this outburst.

"Then whose the second most beautiful Senshi Mina-chan?"

"Huh?" the blond seemed taken back by this question, but she recovered quickly. She grinned. "Why you of course Ami-chan! You're the second most beautiful, and the smartest Senshi in the whole wide world!"

Artemis rolled his eyes.

"That girl," he muttered. "Does she know the definition of 'modesty'?"

"That's why you're the only one who can help me with this Ami, you're the only one smart enough to help me get rid of these horrible nightmares. I've been thinking about how I can solve my dilemma, and get rid of all of this grief."

"How's that?" Ami sounded interested.

Minako jumped up and squealed enthusiastically.

"Well I thought that the only way to get rid of the nightmares would be to ask them why they turned on us," she spouted quickly. "And I thought that Rei's a Shinto Priestess, so she can help us with this, and of course Usagi-chan and Mako-chan can be there for support—"

"Slow down Mina-chan, what does Rei have to do with this whole problem?"

"Well…I thought that we could have a séance!"

"What!?" Ami squeaked.

"What!?" Artemis cried. "You can't be serious!?"

"It's the only way I can get this dream out of my head!" Mina protested to both of them. "Ami, you do the research, find out the best ritual for raising the dead, I'll call the others, and we'll meet at the temple in an hour!"

"Mina—"

Ami's protests were cut short as the blond girl hung up her phone. She furiously dialed the number of Usagi Tsukino and told her her plan. The tired girl barely got to respond to the babbling Senshi before she hung up and called Makoto.

Artemis jumped onto Minako's bed and began to pace.

"You can't be serious; waking up the others this late isn't right, all because of a stupid dream!?"

"It's not a stupid dream!" she spat. "Just you wait Artemis, I will unveil this mystery if it kills me!"

"And if it kills everyone around you," he murmured.

Minako rushed to her closet and swiftly got dressed. She darted out of her room in the blink of an eye; snatching up Artemis before he could protest.

"Onto solve the mystery Artemis, just wait and see. After this, my mind will be at ease, and you can finally get some sleep!"

---

"So why are we doing this Ami?"

"Because Mina-chan has been having odd dreams, and she's been waking me up with them for the past three weeks. So Rei-chan, we need to fake a séance to get Mina-chan to sleep, and to stop her from calling me."

The blue haired Senshi rubbed her eyes tiredly. She sat on the floor of Rei's room, a thick dictionary sized book in her lap. She absently flipped through the pages as the raven haired miko dressed herself in her priestess garb. She spoke to Ami through her closet.

"So you want me to fake raising their souls from the dead to get Minako to go to sleep?"

"That's the ideal strategy," Ami replied. "So will you help me Rei-chan?"

Rei emerged from her closet fully dressed in her priestess garb. A pensive look was on her face.

"I don't like faking such spiritual things Ami-chan. What if the spirits get upset and retaliate?"

"Don't worry Rei," Ami reassured. "It won't be faking it per say. I've written down an 'incantation' you can read that isn't real. I contacted Usagi and Mako already, and they said they would pose as those two. It would all just take place here, so Minako would think it was real and so—"

"You can finally sleep," Rei finished.

Ami wiped her brow and nodded.

"Alright, I'll do it."

The Senshi of Mercury smiled with gratitude and handed Rei a ancient looking roll of parchment. The miko unrolled it and smiled as she read its contents.

"Bravo Ami-chan," she said slyly. "This sounds like a real chant. OK, I'll go into the fire room. When the others get here, tell them to go there. But Ami, do you think odango will get here?"

"Mako-chan is dragging her out of bed."

"And we're both already here," a chipper voice called from the doorway.

Rei and Ami looked up and saw that Makoto and a yawning Usagi were present. Ami clapped her hands.

"Excellent, you're here, go with Rei; I'll wait for Mina-chan."

"Affirmative," Makoto saluted the petite girl cheerfully. "Do we have time to set up?"

Rei nodded.

"Minako's later then Usagi-chan most of the time."

"Hey!" Usagi retorted. "When I'm late, it's because I'm fashionably late Rei!"

The priestess rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, let's hurry up. I've already mapped out how the room is going to look, so let's hurry and get it prepared for the 'séance'."

The four girls giggled in unison. Makoto, Usagi and Rei left the room.

Just as a golden ponytail disappeared from view, a bubbly blond entered. Minako popped her head into the door way cheerfully.

"Ami-chan! How good it is to see you," she darted into the door and placed a dazed Artemis on Rei's bed. Ami smiled.

"Hello Mina-chan, how are you this late night?" the blue haired girl asked cheerfully.

"I'll be just fine after we're done. So is Rei preparing the fire room?"

Ami nodded.

"It'll be ready in a few minutes, so the girls told me to keep you company until their done. Want to…" Ami bit her lip before continuing. "…Want to…read a…manga?" she said the word _manga _as if it were poison.

"Yeah!" Mina bounced and giggled. "I've been reading this great one called…"

Instead of reading manga, Minako began to talk about it. Ami could barely understand a word that was coming out of the over-energetic girl's mouth. Just as Ami was going to cut Minako off, Rei's head popped into the door.

"We're all ready Senshi, are you?"

"Yes, yes, oh god yes!" Mina replied. Ami just nodded. Rei smirked.

"Alright, then enter my sacred room and experience the experience of your life," the miko stifled a chuckle.

Rei led the two remaining Senshi to the fire room where the lights were dimmed and a large table covered by a cloth was set up. Mina, Ami and Rei all sat cross legged around the table. Minako looked around curiously.

"What's wrong?" Ami asked.

"Where are Usagi-chan and Mako-chan?"

"They…couldn't make it," Rei replied.

Two sets of giggles escaped underneath the table cloth.

"What was that?" Minako asked.

"Nothing, the spirits are restless, that's all," Rei replied after shooting a glare at the duo under the table. "Let's begin. Alright you guys, let's all join hands."

The trio of Senshi all joined hands and waited for the miko's orders.

"Let's all close our eyes and channel the energy required to summon the dead," Rei said in a wistful tone.

"How will you read with your eyes closed Rei-chan?" Minako whispered.

"I'm using a sacred ritual passed down from generation to generation. I've known it for a very long time and just haven't used it."

"Oh," Minako responded naively. "Continue then."

The three began to channel their energy. After a few minutes, Rei began to chant the fake incantation.

"Oh sacred spirits of Mars, your Princess summons thee," Rei recited spookily. "We ask your guidance to bring back two souls that were long dead, so the Senshi of Love can ask them a question which haunts her dreams…"

"We grant your request Princess…" the duo under the cloth replied as if they were ghosts. Minako jumped.

"It's working!" she cried excitedly. Rei looked at the girl.

"Shh, I need to concentrate."

Minako instantly silenced herself.

"Whooo dooo yoooou wish to contact Princess Reeiii?" they replied.

"The two Generals of the Earthen Kingdom; Zoooyciiite and Kuuunnnzzziiittteee…." Rei replied spookily.

"Yooour wish is graaanted…"

A lot of shuffling began to occur under the table, and in the blink of an eye, powder filled the air. The trio began to cough uncontrollably.

"Not…so…much…" Rei murmured under her breath.

"Sorry," Usagi murmured.

Finally the powder cleared. Minako looked around curiously.

"Kunzite, are you there? Zoycite?"

"Yeeesss?" a high-pitched, squeaky voice responded. "It's meee, Zoooycite."

"He didn't sound like that," Ami giggled furiously. She covered her mouth before Minako could respond. "Oh Usagi," she muttered.

"Dooooess someone have a quessstion foor meee?" 'Zoycite' replied.

"Ask Ami, ask!" Minako hurried. "Then maybe Kunzite'll come."

"Well, uh, er…Zoycite."

"Yeesss?"

"Well, there's no other way to ask this, but when you came back, why did you…did you…" the ice Senshi's face grew red.

"Diiid I whaaat?"

"Start dating men?" she squeaked.

"Oooh, welll, I waaas always like that, I mean, I diiid dress like Saailor Mooon foor kicks after all."

"I thought it was because you wanted to lure her out," Rei asked trying not to burst out in laughter. Her eyes were watering.

"Nooo, it's because I waas always a maan trapped in a womaaan's booody…I loved playing dreess up Amiii, I just hid it in the Silver Millennium to saaave face."

"I…see…" Ami chuckled. "And how'd you…turn Kunzite?"

"Why dooon't yooou ask hiiim…" the voice trailed off.

"Minako," a deep voice called. Minako shot up.

"Kunzite, is that you? Are you still gay?"

"Noooo…" Makoto stifled a giggle. "Not nooow that I'm dead…Zoooycite cast a spell on meee to turn gaaay…"

"So I didn't turn you then? I'm still the perfect Love Goddess I was in the past?"

"Nooo…your even more beautiful Minako…cooome with me to the afterlife and we'll—"

"AHH!!" Minako jumped in her seat. "Send them away, send them away I got my answers!!"

Something grabbed at Minako's foot. The girl squealed and jumped from the floor and ran out the room.

When they were sure the girl was out of earshot, the four burst out in giggles.

"I can't believe she fell for it," Usagi choked between laughter.

"A girl trapped in a man's body, good one Usagi," Makoto chimed in.

"What you did was priceless Mako," Rei gasped. "Grabbing her under the table, perfect, just perfect!"

After a few moments the girls stopped their laughter. Ami looked worried.

"What's wrong Ami-chan?" Usagi asked.

"What if it didn't work?"

The four exchanged looks.

"I'M NOT A WOMAN WHO TURNS MEN GAY!! VENUS HAS STILL GOT IT BABY!!!"

The girls heard Minako cry as she darted down the streets of Tokyo. They all began to giggle again.

Artemis sighed as he lay on Rei's bed.

"That girl, what am I going to do with her?" he curled into a ball and went back to sleep.


End file.
